I'm a 34 y/o man this year. Still finding my way of happiness. But it is getting fade away. The level of self-esteem gradually decline bit by bit each years.

I used to fall in love many times. But always with the wrong person. No one has ever truly love me. Except one. But I never love her. I refused her many things. But she just a little bit strong head girl.

Maybe that is among the reasons of our separation. I know this post will be deleted by google as usual. They said my site is violate their TOS a.k.a SCAM. I don't know why.

But I decide to keep this copy and save it somewhere else. Go back to the timeline, I was 18 y/o that time. Studied at some college. I like a girl. I am not sure of why I became so brave that time. My friend dares me to gave her a piece of assignment paper to her. So I did. And later, all the class became chaotic. I did became a legend that time.

There was no happy ending of this story. I never approach her after that. Even once. And I never knew whether she had the same feeling as I did. I still remember once, when I pretending to became as one of our friends. I sent her email. I ask her whether she like him (me) or not. Then she gave a really sincere answer. She already had someone special. I feel like my sight was dark that time. Can't think of anything. Embarrass, frustrated.. all mixed up. Because I'm a shy guy, so I told her that it wasn't me sending her the email.

There is still one more love story to tell here. But I have to skipped it. Because it is too short. All I can tell, it is totally unused. She just want my money. I call her that night, she's on the bike, with her boyfriend. She told me once that she is available. She just a liar, and a s**t. If you know what I mean.

This is the third time of my love story. When I first met her, she was a trainee. While I am a staff at the company. I can tell, that I love her at first sight. Actually, I don't want to give any hope to myself. So I let it goes naturally. I think, when she introduced herself in front of my colleagues, she had this kind of an awkward feelings towards me. I can see her nervousness. As I'm too serious that time. She scared of me. i know. by the time i write this post.

Me and her had a lunch together by coincident that day. i have a great chance to get to know her. And maybe becoming her best friend. Like the very best friend. A lover maybe?? Me and her talk many things. Actually not so much, as I am the only one who speak much. Not her. Until I feel creepy as hell. And decide to ended the chat, without finish up my lunch, as my stomach can not accept the loads anymore. I feel so sad that time.......

2 years later, I opened my facebook. Saw her marriage picture. My heart broke into pieces. That month is the fasting month. I am not hungry, stomach empty, but still I force myself to break the fast for the energy,  event though I could not eat anything. All meals are bitter.  As my body refused any things heavily. I sad, but no one has ever know. I live alone that time. It takes more than a month , maybe a years, to me fully recover.

Right now, many years has gone by.I feel ugly. I am getting fat each years. One day, wrinkles will come to my face. I become less attractive, like what I am now. But more worst I think. Right now, I don't really think of happiness anymore. I am not sure of what to do. As days goes by.


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